Hallucinations

Imagine,

if you will, you wake up one morning and there is a figure sitting on the edge of your bed. You’re only 15 and seeing things like this isn’t exactly a good thing. What would you do? Would you tell someone?

Now, imagine that same figure began to take shape, the shape of what you perceive an angel to look like. As it takes shape and color before your eyes, it begins to speak to you…

“Hello. I have been talking to you for a long time. I finally see you. You can finally listen to me.”

I don’t take drugs. I hate them actually. Except weed. But, that’s not really a drug, in my opinion. Anyway, I didn’t start smoking weed until I was 30. Been in love with it ever since. But I have seen, up close and personal, the effects and harm of drugs in general. Heavy drugs, like crack, cocaine, meth, etc. I’ve seen this since I was a child.

Better to learn who people are in order to not judge them for what they do.

Like a fish out of water, I got to see the drug, alcohol, prostitution, and criminal world without being influenced into it. I’ve been to some unholy places as a child and into adolescence. Seeing how drugs can destroy an entire family, how alcohol can literally and figuratively, kill people, how a person’s whole spirit can be broken over a man or woman. Again, I learn from people. So, seeing these things made me terrified to even try them. Growing up wasn’t hard for me, seeing these things wasn’t traumatizing it was a learning experience and helped me get to know people better.  It’s better to learn who people are in order to not judge them for what they do.

When Luci first came to me, I wasn’t frightened by her. I knew she wasn’t really there. I could only see her in my minds eye’s and hear her in my thoughts. She had much to say and we argued a lot. She liked doing things that I thought were wrong. Since I had control of my own body, I could refuse her demands. She wanted to do bad things to people when I got angry or frustrated. I was only a child, so, I couldn’t do much damage but being a very clever bully. I really don’t like violence. But Luci does. When a kid at school made me mad I wanted to hurt them because she wanted to hurt them.


Am I starting sound crazy? I bet I am. Wait…there’s more…


Luci didn’t look like anything at first. She was just in my head. A voice among many voices. I ignored most of the voices in my head because I was aware enough to know not to speak to them in public. But in private, we talked all the time. Luci was one voice that stood out among the others. She spoke so loudly, I often thought other people heard her. She could also talk through me. Make me say things out loud that I normally wouldn’t. Some people, would think the things I say are funny or weird depending on the person but they wouldn’t know it wasn’t me who said it. Since she is just a voice in my head I could ignore her. But not listening to her had bad consequences. People, real people, would hurt me, abandon me, torment me, or bully me. So, it stands to reason, I started to listen…

The moment I decided to listen, she started to take shape. A dark figure at the edge of my bed one morning. I wanted to freak out but I knew her. Like, really knew her. She was Luci. The voice in my head that spoke so much louder than the others. She was here in my room, talking to me like she wasn’t a hallucination that just magically appeared. I tried to pretend she wasn’t there. Blocking her from my line of sight when she appeared. But then she started to show herself in public.

One day, some moron was teasing me about how ragged my shoes were, when Luci appeared. She walked (yes, she has legs) over to the girl and showed me how to snap her neck with ease. I know I was just remembering something I saw in a movie and projecting it but the urge was real. I wanted to snap her neck. I was so immersed in trying NOT to harm this girl that I didn’t even hear the rest of what she was saying. I’m sure it was mean and terrible but I didn’t hear it so I didn’t really care. I was just happy when she walked away, alive. People do that to me a lot. Just walk away when I zone out. Little do they know…


A part from being a logical-thinking person, I am also creative. I can see the beauty in anything. I don’t pretend to be someone else because I AM someone else. Many someone elses.

Other than my therapist, I have told no one about Luci. I still talk to her to this day. Just, no one knows I do.

Except now…you. Shhhh, it’s our little secret…

ben-white-178537-unsplash
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

 

This is Moonlyte signing off: Make it great day.

 

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