I don’t really believe in myself.
I pretend to sometimes to boost my self-esteem but I don’t. Not really. After admitting to myself that I even had a mental illness (which was difficult, by the way), I still refused to treat it properly. You know why? Ignorance. My own personal self-bias.
To me, a mental disorder seemed like just a reason for people not to have to work. Then I started to see people who suffered from severe depression and on the verge of suicide, create an entire magical world for people to love. I started to see people with bipolar disorder invent mind-blowing technology and some with BPD make millions laugh to tears.
These people aren’t the destitute maniacs with no futures as portrayed. They aren’t the lowest of the population who feed off of the government as I have heard. These are spectacular, incredible minds that are hidden and sometimes shamed from the public eye because of the stigma attached to their disorders. But now, we are entering an age where those creative minds can finally express to the world who they really are. And what they have endured.
This inspired me.
It put to my mind the concept of my bias against myself. The internal hatred I feel for what I am and what I have done because of what I am. I thought,
“How could anyone love me, when I feel so much hatred for who and what I am?”
Therefore, I never believed I was worthy of love or respect. Until now. I didn’t look at myself in the mirror and have some brilliant revelation that changed my life. Ha. I wish. I just reached the full potential of my self-awareness. That was not a fun ride.
I have no choice, it seems.
I must love myself. It’s only logical. I must have faith in who I am and what I want to accomplish. It would be completely irrational to do otherwise.
But the darkness still creeps. Even with knowledge, ignorance can still surface. I can choose to blind myself to what I am or I can embrace it. To embrace it, would be madness.
But that’s the point.
I no longer wish to see my illness as a raggedy piece of clothing that needs to be fixed or removed but as an attachment of who I am and who I will become. Yes, it is a hindrance that can ruin everything in the blink of an eye but it is part of who I am. A part that will always adapt to my environment. I have to look at the big picture here. This is not some small cold that can be wiped out with some home remedies. This is a complex set of emotional luggage that you need more than one person to carry.
Each individual needs to handle their care in the way most comfortable for them and mine is writing. Sort of. I also like to watch cartoons. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to learn who you are. ALL of who you are. Ignoring the obvious can lead to a preventable disaster. It did for me.
Now, after years of self-doubt, self-bias, self-hatred and self-consciousness, I have finally started to see.
And it. Is. Beautiful.