When falling in love…
I sometimes promise myself that I will never change for them. I will never let another person change who I am just because of some silly emotions. Chemical reactions will never over power me. Then this damn man comes along and wipes my years of knowledge, education, and intelligence completely off the grid.
When I fell in love I changed. The change was scary and I rejected it because of so many years of hurt and disappointment by a few men. The hundred foot wall I had built over the last few years, came crashing down on my stupid head. I began to understand why I was so angry and so full of hatred for an entire gender…because I was lonely. Loneliness kills.
It is loneliness that infuriates me.
I shouldn’t be lonely. I’m intelligent, kind, loving and I’m sure some other attributes attractive to my gender preference. Some people don’t realize how much loneliness can play a part in their choices. Settling is always detrimental to my romantic future. Never fails to ruin everything.
I began to think that I didn’t deserve love
After genuinely falling in love with someone who loved me the same in return, it changed my whole view of loneliness. I began to see how it can creep up behind me and tear my critical-thinking skills to pieces. What I couldn’t see is how it changed how I felt about being loved. I began to think that I didn’t deserve love. What a horrid thought that is.
Loneliness turns logic into self-doubt.
It is this self-doubt that trips up the fall. That graceless stumble over the obstacles of loneliness. It comes in many forms, most that are easy to recognize, like bitterness. Bitterness is the most common form of loneliness. I was so bitter during my lonely times that I even felt needless hatred for innocent lovebirds. It festered inside of me and affected everyone in my path, especially men.
I began to develop an unnecessary loathing for men as a species. That loathing landed me in the deepest part of lonely that you can get. Men liked me but hated the nasty, hateful comments, constant negative attitude towards them, bitter, mistrustful behavior and male blame. It turned them off and sent them running. Leaving me lonelier and more bitter. Never blaming myself. Always blaming men.
It came to a point where I just decided to date women. But…that didn’t work out. Let’s just say…being homosexual is definitely not a choice. Duh. I came around to just being alone and enjoying my solitude. That was even lonelier.
Falling in love, happened by mistake. I didn’t mean for that to occur. I was fine being bitter, lonely, angry, and hateful. But love had different plans for me.
As a strong, intelligent woman, I tend to forget how important a man is to me. I set aside those silly type of emotions and focus on more important matters such as my mental health. In my post-love opinion, I believed that because of my illnesses, I was not capable or supposed to be in a relationship. To many intense emotions and craziness, the mentally ill should remain alone. Stupid, right? And for me to think it is just ridiculous.
I started to understand two perspectives of mental illness.
I began to see the other side, not being mentally ill. The bias that comes from ignorance. Since I was convinced that I didn’t have any of those problems, I was cold and indifferent to those that did. Crazy people can’t raise children… crazy people can’t have meaningful jobs… crazy people can’t function in normal relationships… crazy people can’t function in normal society… and I applied those bias to myself when I finally admitted to my own mental disorders. Thereby rendering myself disabled and useless. More bitterness.
Having this man in my life changed all of that. For someone to love the me they see, the me they want to be with. All the maddening emotions, crazy thoughts, internal battles, past struggles and present hells couldn’t run this man away.
He made me see…me…who I am really. And I loved it. Then, I loved myself. Then I fell for him. I lost my chance at love when I was bitter and lonely. I let that anger build and infect me with hatred.
I have decided to give myself a second chance at love.
I will take this fall. I will love this fall. And I will land in his arms.