Impatience

Too intense.

My emotions are too intense.

In my silly opinion, emotions are messy. Because I am female and mentally ill, it’s triple messy. Just a frickin mess.

I sometimes wonder do people understand what is going through my mind when they speak. Do they know that I have already drawn like a hundred conclusions to how much they love or hate me by the time they get out two words?

Oh gosh…it’s terrifying.

My head hurts from all the over-thinking, emotional upheaval that rakes through my mind like a sharp blade against steel. It renders me completely enslaved to them. No way out, I’m trapped in this ocean of madness that some doctor gave the pretty name of “emotions” but it’s madness. My madness.

I’ve been trapped in this metaphorical room with no walls for days, with a thousand paths to choose from but I have no idea which one will end in disaster. I’m terrified I’ll pick the right path. Silly right?

The right path will lead to success which will lead to recognition which could lead to an epic failure. Stupid brain won’t function right the past several days. Love. Love did this to me. Once again.

I honestly think I wasn’t meant to be loved. Only to love. Every time I fall into a love-spell I am filled with renewed purpose but at the slightest hint of anything remotely negative, I crash, burn then hide. I would rather rejection than to fall in love and lose that love while things are great because I can’t control my emotions. To know a man loves me, wants to see me, wants to love me, and misses me but we can’t see each other.

It’s been two months since the last time I got to kiss his face and love on him. My heart aches with everyday he is gone. He’s not dead but it feels like it. It feels like I’m dead too. I know I will see him again but the anticipation and wait is killing me. I think literally. Geez.

But I will be patient. He is worth waiting for. It’s late, so, I’m gonna sign off for now.

Moonlyte out.

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