Dark Love

Love is a weakness of mine.

I desire it, conquer it, seek it, and require it. But love has not always been kind to me. Love has not always given me joy and comfort but some pain and sorrow.

My first love is a subject I find interesting. Since, as a child, I didn’t really understand how ‘love’ works. The first time i called myself falling in love was when I was about fifteen.

‘Am I in love?’ Here is the ultimate question. Many have asked themselves this question and they all received a unique response. I never even questioned it the first time. I was so clouded by my dangerously low self-esteem that the first boy who liked me, I fell madly in love with…

Her First Love

I was in high school when I met him.

My crush was tall, light and dorky, just how I like them. I never would have the gall to approach such a good-looking boy but to my dismay, my “friend” gave me an unwelcome hand. She went behind my back and told him I liked him. Furious, I went to her before (well, I thought before) she said anything to him to tear her a new one, but she had already told him. He acted extra weird with me ever since. After lunch that day she came back and told me that this boy in the cafeteria was asking her about me. She gave me the boy’s name and told me that he was looking for me. Of course, at this point, I didn’t trust her, so I went to one of the guys in his class to ask them who this guy was. I walked up to a boy at his locker and asked him if he knew this guy and gave him the name. He looked me square in the eye and told me that it was his name. I blinked then realized my error. After a good laugh, he told me he was looking for me earlier to tell me he liked my “fierceness” and my long hair. Boys liked things about me like my face and my hair and my shape but when it came to the things that were said, or the things I wore, or the things I did, well, it didn’t always end well, you see. I was a very private girl. Quiet and invisible. I stayed under the radar most of the time but if I had to surface it was for a good reason. He liked these things about me. My weirdness, my jokes, my silly thoughts he found these things attractive…to a certain point. I’ll get to that later. Instantly, I knew I was in love with him. But I couldn’t tell if he felt the same. I knew he was attracted to me, just not the love part.

 At least, I didn’t know for sure, except through his words…

I wasn’t a foolish girl but I hopeful girl who wanted so badly to experience love in its romantic form. I had seen so many of my peers entering long-standing relationships and loving on each other. I wanted that. I was attractive enough to get a boy’s attention but to chicken-shit to speak to them.

Everytime a boy would approach me his body language would change as if he noticed something weird about me and changed his mind. I may have been thinking too much into it but this was my thought process as of this moment in my life. So the search for love, for me, would prove to be a difficult journey. Especially if I misread some signals or became too overjoyed at his response.

I felt like an idiot, practicing talking to humans in the mirror like some sort of alien. But a boy was worth it. I started dressing more like a girl because I noticed other girls got lots of attention when they wore pretty clothes. I just couldn’t brave the ‘cool girl’ clothes that showed way to much thigh and cleavage for my young taste. I hated my body, I wouldn’t dare show it to anyone, they might explode.

But he liked my body. He liked everything about me that I hated. Well, not everything. There were some aspects of my personality that he most definitely did not agree with nor did any man who crossed my path. To put it in their words, I was “disobedient”. I had too many opinions for a woman who didn’t like to cook or clean. I was mouthy. No man likes a mouthy woman. My intelligence got me in trouble a great many times with men I adored.

As I got older, I started to notice that I sought out these type of men for some unknown reason. Maybe I wanted to be tamed by some god of a man who would sweep me away and turn me into a doting housewife but for now, it’s only a dream. I am still a strong-willed, mouthy, highly intelligent woman who can’t get a man. Typical.

Fortunately for my future, there are men who like the type of woman I am. I love all humans. In whatever form you come in, I love you. For me, it’s hard to connect to people because of my doubts and fears. But here, I can set myself free. I love that. Hope you enjoyed that little dip into the ocean of my life.

This is Moonlyte signing off:

Make it a great day.

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