Too Much Thinking

I find myself thinking a lot. A whole lot. Most of the things I think about are absolutely ridiculous. My mother has told me on many occasions that I think too much.

When I was about ten, I was in class and a new kid came in. He walked to the teacher’s desk, handed her a note, then sat down in the front. As we all looked at him and then the teacher, we wondered collectively what the note said. The teacher read the note and snickered a bit before placing it in her desk and giving him a knowing nod.

At the end of class, I go up to the new boy and ask him what he wrote to the teacher that made her chuckle. When he spoke, I immediately understood the reason for the note,

I t-t-t-told her m-m-my name and that I s-s-s-stutter and t-t-t-to let m-me just sit d-down and be quiet.

I smiled at the thought of my teacher having that kind of empathy and then I remembered that our teacher was not really what I would consider the compassionate type.

I was so curious that I even snuck into the classroom while the teacher was at lunch to read the note for myself. As I read the note I literally laughed out loud and almost alerted the hall monitor.

It read:

kelly-sikkema-391341-MCnote001
*Not actual note, just for visual purposes only.  –  Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash – Edited by Luci Moon

What a treat to my eyes this was. A simple delight that gave me insight into the victim side of bullying. As a bully myself at this time, I began to understand how my actions made the innocents I bullied feel. Now that I’m older I understand what happened then. A child, so tormented by being constantly ridiculed for something he couldn’t possibly control, making a plea to an adult to allow him to avoid being picked on. The fact that most people think we can control our emotional intensity is what fuels many of the stigmas attached to BPD.

Emotionally, my thoughts are connected to my decisions and interactions with others. If my emotions are at a ‘normal’ balance, my decisions and actions will reflect that balance. If my emotions are at an ‘abnormal’ balance, well… my decisions and actions will reflect whatever chaos is erupting inside my mind.

Case in point:

Say you’re at work and a co-worker steals your snack from the break-room fridge. At a ‘normal balance’ you would either confront them privately or sternly, ignore it, let them have it, or not even notice it’s gone. Normal balance meaning a typical response for someone without a mental illness.

Now let’s say you have Borderline Personality Disorder. Your co-worker steals your snack from the break-room fridge, your first reaction would be anger. Anger at the betrayal, anger at the disrespect, and anger at the co-worker. Then you would (without saying a word or after a screaming match with your co-worker) go home and obsessively wonder why they took it. Did they think it was theirs? Do they just not respect me? Am I just a low-life nobody that anyone can just walk all over? Thousands of questions, scenarios, and fears go racing through your mind and when the next day comes…things get much worse.

Now you aren’t bringing your snacks or bringing them for the sake of catching them in the act, to confront them for stealing it the first time. Things get much more intense from there and once the floodgates have been opened there is no turning back.

Thinking can be a dangerous past-time for anyone suffering from BPD. Most will tell you to just ‘stop thinking so much’…ha ha ha what a ridiculous notion that is. And completely worthless advice, no less. No offense to those that have said it but some offense because you need to STOP saying it.

My method worked pretty well, and I hope it helps you. I talk to myself. Yes, that’s what I said, I talk to myself. You’d be surprised how much you can work out in your mind from just having a conversation with…you. Try it. Go to a private, quiet place like a bathroom or closet and talk to yourself about what’s bothering you. Give yourself two sides, the side that’s for it and the side that’s against it. See how they (you) works it out.

If you don’t like it, I’ll give you your money back. Lol.

 

This is Moonlyte signing off: Make it a great day.♥

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